The story of Dennis the Destroyer

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The story of Dennis the Destroyer

Postby Stanton » Tue Dec 30, 2008 8:14 pm

Rummaging about in my old EQ folders I came across several EQ-themed stories I'd written some time back and thought folks might enjoy a quick chuckle.

This here is the tale of a small animal with big dreams. Meet "Dennis the Destroyer"...


Dennis looked across the frozen landscape. It’d been a long year, but a fruitful, or rather, a vegetableful, one. They’d finally gotten the support of the Mammoths and the Rhinos and, combined with the old alliances with the Walrus’ and Ulthorks, they were just about ready. Now, if they could just recruit a few Manticores they could then forget about talks with the giants. (The giants stayed away from Manticores. Unless one could get a good first stomp on them, one got stung, then next stop Thurgadin, often as a kebab.) The giants also tended to go running and stomping into battle, and while that would make many an enemy suddenly height-challenged, it was often at the expense of several of the army’s own troops. Better to find other options as the rhinos and mammoths were going to be bad enough. Rhinos, while being rather dim, were also quite near-sighted. Few wanted to charge in front of them for fear of being that one moving thing the rhino pays attention to, and, if the rhinos went out first, they tended to circle around and flank their own troops. The Mammoths, well, they just smelled bad. Something akin to a sodden and musty wool blanket - a really big sodden and musty wool blanket.

Dennis sighed and turned to a nearby soldier, “Has the delegation from the Manticores arrived yet, Sergeant????

“They’re arriving now, sir, shall I send them straight in????

“Yes. I want to get this show on the road as soon as possible.???

“Very good, General Hopper.??? He bent an ear in salute and bounded off toward the approaching Manticore party.


Dennis took his time explaining the tactics he intended to use in his campaign to the Manticores. They were important to bring on board, he thought to himself. They could insure a crushing victory! No more repression! Common mobs and named living together as equals! And better yet, probably a very fancy title for him. Maybe even a small harem if there was enough left over after they pillaged the imperialistic coffers of the evil overlords.

The Manticore ambassador and his assistant retreated to a corner of the small clearing. “Well,??? he said, “What do you make of it????

“A good stew, I’d say, sir.??? The aide replied. “Perhaps seasoned with a bit o’ hellebore to taste.???

“No, no, no,??? The ambassador said, “What do you think of his plan????

“Well, it does have a lot of nice swooping and flanking. Kind of looks like a little bird the way he drew it out there, don’t you think????

The Manticore ambassador smacked the aide across the ear with the flat of his stinger. “Idiot.??? He muttered. “I don’t know whether this rabbit is cunning, or just plain hare-brained, but I’d feel safer keeping an eye on him. Let’s bring in the troops; it’ll be useful in either case…


Dennis mounted the hillock with the solid, heavy footsteps of a general. At the top, he sat back on his haunches and reviewed his troops, the piercing, measuring surveyance of a Snow Bunny.

“Soldiers! Allies! Friends!??? He shouted to the odd assembly surrounding the hillock. “For too long we’ve been ground under the heels of the boots of injustice. For too long we’ve shivered, out in the cold, away from the heat of our birthright. For too long we’ve allowed a vile force to control our lives! Tomorrow we, together, will march against the oppressors. Together we will break this bondage and sunder this foul regime! Tomorrow we shall make them pay dearly the wages of fear!???

When the cheering had died down a bit a voice could be heard from near the back rows of creatures. “Excuse me? I have a question???? It was a smallish walrus.

“Yes? What is it???? Dennis asked testily.

“Well, General, uh, about these wages of fear. I’m a bit afraid already, can I get my pay now???? Dennis glared at the small sea lion until someone nearby said, “You know, the wages of sin pay better, more regular hours too. Or so I hear…???

Another creature in the crowd spoke up. “This breaking bondage sounds pretty nice, but I didn’t sign up for sundering. Sundering gives me gas something awful.??? The ambassador could see several animals trying to casually put some distance between themselves and a mammoth.

“We won’t be burnin’ and plunderin’ near my forest will we???? someone else asked.

The bunny on the low knoll was almost pink with rage when a very small hare raised its paw. “Who –are- the oppressors, anyways????

General Hopper grabbed at this straw of a question hoping to bring the topic back into control. “Well, the giants and the orcs, of course! They plot and plan to keep the little creature, you and I, under their vicious thumb!???

“But da giants just stand around ‘n guard stuff.??? Said a rhino, “I ha’ never seen em do much oppressin’???

An ulthork spoke up, “An dem orcs! Dey smell awful bad! Why we want their stuff???? He elbowed a companion next to him. “They’re more de-pressors than o-pressors. Haw haw!???

The Manticore ambassador could tell that Dennis was, understandably, hopping mad and decided it was time to diffuse the situation. Stepping onto the knoll beside Dennis the Manticore waved its stinger for attention – and got it quickly. Everyone knew you always kept an eye on a Manticore's butt.

“Friends, I believe I have a solution.???


“Well done, sir??? the aide said. “I especially enjoyed the sauce. You must give me the recipe.???

“Thank you, I will when we get back.??? He used a claw to pick a small piece of rabbit meat from between his teeth. “You know, not everyone can agree on a war, but I haven’t found anyone who hates a barbeque.???

“Right you are, sir.???
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